LifeClass

Operating on  partial or no trust is difficult in any situation. Working to rebuild that broken trust is even more difficult.  And in the end, the decision you make is your own...so own it.

My decision keeps changing from day to day and it probably will for days, weeks, hopefully not months, to come. The easy solution is to just toss it away, and if it was that easy to toss then really what did I have to start with? I guess that's why there isn't an easy solution and why my decision keeps changing.

This strife lead to me watch the one station I thought was blocked on cable Monday night.  OWN. Yes...I drank the kool-aide and watched Oprah's Lifeclass, Class #1 on false ego. When it kicked off, I thought...WTH?!?!?!  Here she goes again talking about those damn jeans and weight loss. But as the show wound up, it finally made sense about false egos. I don't consider myself to be self-asorbed. I do feel that I take other people's feelings into consideration. But, I know my personality flaw and it will take work to correct.

Does this false ego have anything to do with my current personal strife?  Maybe, maybe not. Some people would equate a false ego with insecurity, I beg to differ when that insecurity is brought on by outside influences, not internally. So what do you do? How can you be reassured and relieved of these insecurities?  Each situation is different and there isn't any clear-cut path, So, this is the current work in progress.

Do I feel as if I've failed?  No!  I know that I have done/am doing the best I can/know how. I know that I offer up great advice and that I am a loving and caring person. I know that I haven't put my ego before this current circumstance. I also know that I deserve the best out of this circumstance. 

I do need to watch the next round of classes, How to Let Go of Anger and Finding Joy. Do I think I will have epiphanies on the road to self-discoveries thanks to all-knowing O?  Probably not. However, as with any advice, there are tools I can take from the "class" to put into practice daily.  And we all know that practice makes perfect (or close to it).

Giving Up

And that's just how I feel some days. Like just giving up and eating whatever and lots of whatever and not working out at all. The scale just pisses me off lately - going in the wrong direction.

I can't blame the scale for being the honest "friend" (term used lightly). I would blame myself for eating bags of chips and drinking soda while watching Top Gear all Memorial Weekend. I should blame myself for the boredom and not getting out to explore this new city.

But I'm over the blame game altogether. I can't go back and edit out the weekend. I can just push forward. I've been trying to watch what I eat but when I get bored I want junk (chips) and lately, I've been all kinds of bored. I surely don't feel like working out and I think putting my gym membership on hold wasn't the brightest idea. Hey, I bought TurboFire, Shred it with weights, and I'm waiting for Zumba to come in the mail (yeah, I'm a video junkie). And while having these items wont make the pounds melt off all by themselves, I have been motivated to put Chalene in the DVD player. I've even had 2 free training sessions last week.

So what's the deal?  Bottom Line - BORED!

Being bored on the weekends for me completely sabotages everything I've done well during the week. How do you combat this?  A good question that I am still trying to work out. Gas is high so tooling around this tiny town hunting out Home Goods and TJ Maxx isn't really smart - plus that puts me in the realm of spending money which I don't need to do. The weather here isn't so great so just when I think I could go for a bike ride, it starts to hail or is freezing cold. Um, hello.  Memo to Mother Nature - it's June. Please send warm, summery weather to Sacramento.

Yes, I'm bitching and moaning...forgive me. Just feeling in a funk and trying to work it out.

On the bright side - my 1st 5K is Sunday. To add to my pity party, it's scheduled to be cold and rainy.  Oh yeah...dontcha just love this California weather?

Here I am...

Wow, it's been a minute since I've posted and as I read back through them, I'm taking stock on the various life differences in such a short time period.

BTW - I'm working! Woo hoo...To all my nay-sayers, folks who doubted I'd find a job, let alone a decent paying job within a month - I did...Oh and a certain med college can pucker up and kiss it. Pshaw, I say to you for calling me back on 4 jobs to say that you found a more qualified candidate. BS...ok, I'm over brooding about that especially since I received the job I wanted.

There were several reasons for me to keep this online journal - fitness/food, fashion, and money. Well, I'm still the soccer mom without kids and a mini van and probably will never fall into the fashion blog world. But I'm comfortable and have broken out of my mold on a few occasions. I'm still not rich BUT I'm no longer overspending (thanks to the cushion I now have) and not living beyond my means.

My main issue remains fitness. My fitness goals are out there in the ether but not on paper. I can continue to complain about the move and use that as a crutch or I can shut the hell up and make the best of it. I now have a decent schedule of 6 days a week encompassing 3 days of TKB, 2 days of body pump and 1 day of yoga. I am still toying with WW. I know some are having success and I know the program works. I also know I need accountability. I'm great Mon-Fri and now I'm back to food issues on the weekend, especially salt and not enough water.

So I will use my new paper journal to track my food and workouts. I will put my goals on paper and in full view. I will try to weigh once a week (Saturday mornings) to stop driving myself insane over the scale. I will work harder at making it to all 6 planned workouts instead of coping out for 1 reason or another.

That's the gameplan for now.

Thank goodness I'm not 16 and preggers...

This is really stuck in my craw and I can't dislodge it.  My father is really perturbed by the fact that I am considering moving to California to be with The Fella because we aren't married. Apparently, this is topic du jour between my parents. 

Someone please give me some insight into this...

I am late 30s/he is early 40s. I don't want children / he already has children and no plans for additional kids - maybe a Labrador. Yes, we've only been dating for approximately 2 years (maybe 3 this coming Easter - can't really remember since it feels as if I've known him forever - ahhhhh). Granted my parents aren't the most open-minded folks in their early 60s, but hey, at least The Fella is the same color scheme as I am.

Say I move to Cali and things go sour. I can't find a job, all my crap is crowding his space, I don't like the fact that he puts the toilet paper on backwards, whatever...and we decide to call it quits. Hello - not married...I can pack my crap and go - no need for quickie island divorce. And Cali is community property. So if I won the lottery right before splitville, I'd have to share my winnings with him. So let's hope I win the lottery while living single in Texas (fingers crossed)!

I'm not saying that we're heading towards singledom anytime soon. He's a wonderful dude. But I'm just saying - I like having my options open.

So what's the big deal if we're married or not heading West?  Would it be a big deal if he was still here and we were shacking up under the current roof? Probably not. What's the worse that could happen shacking up 1800 miles away from my dad? Is he planning to write me out of his will and leave all his hidden millions to the neighborhood cat.  Doubt it. Or does he secretly want to shell out 100K for my wedding?  Hmmm, maybe if I present the proposal for the cost he'd have to pay, he'll look at shacking up as a blessing.

Going to the Chapel

But I aint gettin married. Much to the chagrin of my father.

The Fella got promoted (that's what I'm calling it) and will be heading to The Sunshine State soon! Oh yeah...real beaches, SFO airport, and former NBA star Kevin Johnson as Mayor - boy CA loves to put entertainers into politics. I guess that keeps things entertaining?  I know, lame.

He's asked me to accompany him on this new venture (as he calls it). I say, hell yeah - I'm Audi 5000 G! (yes, super duper strong cafe ole this morning). But seriously, it's a good time for us both.  A new start. A real job for him but a pull away from our families (especially right at the holidays). Yes, he's giving up being able to see his children daily. I'm giving up the comfort of my affordable home, a decent job (although I'm not sure how long that would last), a handful of friends. But we're gaining the excitement of new surroundings, better weather, better food, crappier drivers, the potential for me to do something different other than write letters of recommendation, book airline tickets and grab cokes (I probably will be doing the same thing in CA at least for 2 years until I finish this second degree, but the potential is there) and best of all, he and I are doing it together (well sorta - he goes first, does all the apt hunting, getting the utilities connected, buying new furniture - the crap I don't want to do).

So when I mentioned the "opportunity" to my father, his response was that he didn't see a reason for me to go since we're not married. That I'm giving up a good job for uncertainty. Um yeah...ok. This was said obviously before Sunday's article (see above). But let's take a step back.

1. When I was 25 I called myself running away to San Fran to be with the love of my life. Boy was I dumb. That quickly dissolved and I had to call my folks and beg to be let back home. I swore I would never move anywhere behind a man.

2. The VERY next year I moved to NYC because my boss asked me to.  See contradiction above.  I lived there until the day the towers came down (actually 2 days following) since my mom's flight was diverted to Birmingham, AL.

So I'm 2 years shy of 40 and am now faced with the option to move with the man I  love (this time fur-real) or stay in the town I only tolerate.  Houston is fun to a point, but the nomad in me has been itching for new scenery. I don't do long distance relationships. In my opinion, THEY SUCK. If I'm only going to see a person one weekend a month, I may as well join the Army Reserves so at least I'd get paid for that heartache and aggravation.

I think I will take my chances and go west, unmarried and potentially unemployed for a month.

What would you do?

Back in Black

Trends come and go: skinny jeans, leg warmers, shoulder pads.  Even being ethnic has seen its trendy times: Lisa Bonet was more popular than Tempestt Bledsoe, Al B Sure got more girls than Keith Sweat. We moved to Tyson becoming the best dark chocolate on the scene. The black trend ceased when JLo, Mariah Carey and Salma Hyack rose to stardom or the introduction of Bollywood's popularity. 

Last night, I realized it is, yet again, trendy to be Black! I've been Black all my life, so I never realized when my skin tone was or wasn't popular.

Dinner last night was interesting.  It's always fun to dine with my girlfriend when she comes to town.  I covet her shoes and secretly plot to steal them off her feet. But that's a blog for another day.  Last night, her son declared he is no longer Caucasian and that he wished he was raised in a Black family. Um yeah, right kid. He even attempted to use the N-word referring to his bros.  This put me off guard.  After that exchange all I could think of is that this kid listens to too much Eminem. Here we go again with non-Blacks thinking it's cool as long as you come off as "down" to use the term. Hell-to-the-naw and if he uses it in the wrong presence, he will receive the brutal end of a nasty beat down. I asked his mom to have their good friend who is from a small town in East Texas where they probably just recently removed the segregation signs from public places to have a serious talk about what it really means to be Black.

We ended the night with her son insisting that he was Black. And I left it with "you are an honorary Black person".  Knowing this is just a trend, I am hopeful he will grow out of it and soon.  But this lead to me think what the constant distinction will do to his thinking.  I have a another very good friend that we jokingly said was Black on the inside.

I am used to being the token among my friends.  I was 1 of 2 Black kids (at least I think there was another) in my HS class. I was never in an all-Black situation (excluding my family) until the day my parents dropped me off at Tuskegee Institute. I have been accused of acting white, wanting to be white, sounding white - etc. etc. Although lately, I've been told I have a Texas accent (time to move). Sue me that I don't sound ignorant, country, uneducated. No, I'm not saying all Blacks sound ignorant the moment they open their mouths. I am saying that when I meet people face to face after having telephone conversations, their favorite line is "Oh, I didn't think you were Black".

I guess I will never understand why we have to lay claim to other ethnic backgrounds. I know that I am lucky to be Black, educated and employed - I'm not blind to that. But I don't wake up every day saying I wish I was Anglo or Latin or male.  I may wake up wishing I had curly hair - but that's what weave is for. Being a minority is never easy but I wouldn't trade it for another lifestyle.

Thank goodness for the few of us who are colorblind and see each other for who we are inside and not the tan we wear on the outside.

Crushed

Words can't express the pain and anger I had yesterday evening. We were both so pumped, waiting for the go-ahead to give notice and pack our bags (well at least his for the moment) only to be told that the position is on-hold. On-hold? WTH?  My immediate reaction was sorrow. I thought all my cheerleading skills were for naught. That holding that belief in my mind was pointless.

Then I got pissed. Hell hath no fury.

I was pissed because I'm so tired of my guy getting pumped up for something and being disappointed. I was pissed because I'm tired of the run around he's been receiving about potential opportunities.  I was pissed because we aren't moving to Denver.

Yet.

I'm not giving up my/our vision of being part of the 10% black folk residing in Denver. I'm not giving up the idea of being able to bike, hike, water ski, camp, fish almost every weekend until winter comes. I'm not giving up the idea of trading in my sports car for an all-terrain vehicle (preferably a 4X4 Toyota Tacoma or Dodge Durango). I know that when you focus on something you want, it does manifest. It may not happen when you want it to, but it does happen. We are staying positive and holding focus.

We know not to bank on a possibility, but we still hold out hope.  He was extremely upbeat giving me the news yesterday. He knows that when this position does become available, he's the man. But in the meantime, we continue to search the job boards and he continues to send out his resume and network. It ain't a lie - job search is a full-time job.

Denver will be ours.

Go west young woman

 Photo from: http://www.rockiesguide.com/guide/rocky_mountains/denver_colorado.html

I don't have a vision board in the physical sense so I am going to use this platform as my vision board for the time being.

1. I am thankful that James will have the opportunity to continue his employment with Sears.
2. I am thankful that his continued employment will relocate him to Denver.
3. I am thankful he has asked me to go with him.
4. I am thankful for the opportunity to continue my education via distance learning through Eastern Michigan University.

So that's it.  This is my vision and I know this will all manifest in due time.

It's not really a secret...

and the law of attraction isn't really a real-life law or a physics law, but it's an interesting concept that's been around since the dawn of time and goes by many names (namely, karma or positive thinking).  I didn't realize that I'm a closet optimist until this morning.  I cracked open The Secret since I finished Book of the Dead by Patrica Cornwell - nice transition, huh?

I've never been a self-help book reader, I don't believe in gimmicks or false science, and I haven't mastered the power of prayer; but what I realized is that I've been working the "law of attraction" for some time now.  This is how I moved to NYC and found an apartment under $1000, without paying broker fees and with no alt-side street parking (gosh, how I hated being duped by the city - when you thought you had a spot, you look up only to realize the street sweeper is coming that day down that side of the street - UGH!). My New York days were filled with positive attraction.  Even my move back to Houston was a name it and claim it type of move. Perfect apartment, perfect job (at that time) landed before I even moved back, decent salary.  And it's been an ongoing affair for me. It just took opening this book to realize it. I finished my degree last year not owing a dime to the government, bank or credit card company (just my parents and BF - at least that's no interest payments). I have a job where I don't stress, don't work long hours, and can take time when I want. I have a great BF. I'm able to travel although only nationally for the moment (my ultimate goal is Ibiza, Cordoba, Madrid and Barcelona for a minimum of 3 weeks).

These are all things I've asked for over the years and they have manifested themselves.


Now wait, I know what you're thinking.  You can't just think good things and they happen. No, you're right. But you can think positive things and put those positive moves into action. You can also set negative events into motion with negative thinking. It's the negativity that I am trying to correct at the moment (for me - it's money and the BF, it's employment) so I am using every tool available to me to change my mindset.

So what you're saying, LaShaune, is that I can think I will win the lotto and *POOF*, become an instant, overnight millionaire. No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that if you want something to happen in your life you have to think about it, you have to claim it and you have to put those actions into motion.

I've said all this as a means to get my BF to start with his power of positive thinking. My goal is getting him to visualize the perfect position, a good company with a solid foundation, a great locale be it in Houston or (hopefully) not Houston. I've given him my mother's copy of the book (my copy came from a co-worker).

Have you read the book?  Do you believe in positive thinking? Do you believe in karma? Are you an optimist or thinking I'm of it?

TMI

Yes, I know this is going to be way more than anyone wants to know...but I'm putting out there anyway.

The Fella and I (mainly I) agreed that I would get an IUD.  It would save me $$$ on BC and it's a 1-time thing.  I've been thinking about this for a year now because I forget to take the pill and would forget to insert the Nuvaring on occasion.  For someone NOT trying to harvest babies (as my young med student buddy put it this evening), you'd think I'd be a hell of a lot more proactive about taking my BC.

So today was D-day for insertion.  I thought I was all prepared.  Took my 800mg of Motrin as directed. Yeah, Mortin isn't strong enough! This shit hurts - there's no ifs, ands or buts about it.  It's one painful procedure.

The only good thing about it is that I didn't have to pay a co-pay since this was my well-woman exam.  The other good thing is that I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new OB-GYN. And the last good thing about this is she prescribed wine!

So if you're considering an IUD as a means of BC, just know that it hurts worse than the most painful menstrual cramps.  Something I wish someone would have told me before having this done.

Gotta know when to hold em...

You also have to know when it's good to pack your pens, post-it notes, and steno pads and hit the road.  The writing is on the wall and I need to take heed. Funny though, I've never been this indecisive about searching for employment; nor have I ever been this worried (my lack of emergency fund shows that).  Of course, our economy hasn't sucked this bad ever in my lifespan.

I can't sit here much longer and feign surprise when the news reports possible layoffs at my university even before our upcoming Town Hall meetings. Nor can I sit here and think that my job is secure, regardless of what my boss and Administrator tell me. There is no such thing as job security any longer (hard for my parents to believe). So I am taking the plunge and updating my Monster.com profile as well as considering a Linkedn profile. Although, I should probably take this as a sign to do what I think may be right for me - professional organizer and freelance assistant. For some odd reason, I keep thinking having a few clients and not being tied to a desk not located in my house is the thing for me.

And then I think...I need a paycheck. I have bills to pay, mortgage to cover, car note, and of course shopping. I think, I really don't want to bust  my tail (I'm getting too old for the 24hr access assistant). And back to the indecision - I want to actually work vs. websurf daily. I want to do more than just answer the phone and get diet cokes all day. I want to manage projects and put my stamp on something signficant vs. writing letters of recommendation for faculty members.  And then I'm back to, but I like not working hard and the thought of going to grad school without the worries of major work deadlines.

What to do, what to do...

Why would you get married?

Hmmmm, Mr. Madea has asked a similar question in 2 films now.  I spent Easter with The Fella vs. my family in Beaumont (I couldn't deal with the drive out and back). So with the snafu change in plans, we decided to go to an early movie. He is now banned from picking films (Debbie Downer). Watching Why Did I Get Married Too brought out so many emotions and we're still talking about it (I'm a big fan of communication). If you haven't seen the movie, I will try not to put spoilers here.

That is the majorly awesome thing about The Fella and me - we talk, IM, e-mail.  If crap is bugging us, we will go for a walk and talk it out. I'm a major planner, so for our trips we talk about every aspect from airline, hotels, car rentals, places to see/do on which day/time, how much $ to take along, what clothes to pack, etc. etc. The one time I didn't plan our trip out to the exact letter we floundered around New Orleans for places to eat and things to do.

I think we talk more than most couples (but I'm hopefully wrong). He identified mostly with Troy and Sheila because of his current work situation. Times are rough, not just for him, but for a lot of people (men and women) in the real world. We tend to let pride stand in our way and don't like to ask for help.  The Fella can be prideful, but he has put it on the back burner and let me help him. I've had a friend revamp his resume, I tell people I know (and some I don't) that he's looking, I send him job postings almost daily. But the reason he doesn't blow up at this (like Troy does in the film) is because I let him know what I'm doing or I'll ask before putting out any private information.

I spent most of the film frustrated and angry because a majority of the issues between all the couples except Pat and Calvin (well maybe theirs as well) could have been avoided if they would just talk to each other.

But talking isn't just about 1 person getting things off their chest. It encompasses active listening on both parts. Sometimes we have to reiterate what was just said to make sure that it was heard correctly. Some convos don't require action plans, but all require feedback. Letting your partner know that his/her qualms were heard and understood is important.

The Fella and I aren't perfect by any measurements, but he let's me know that I don't nag (my fear because I am a control freak) and I don't smother or emasculate him.  Although I have no plans on giving birth, I tend to be the Mother Hen of my friends and have a very dominant personality. By no means is my guy a wimp so knowing that I don't make him feel like one is good to know.  The major breakthrough with our convos is that he is getting to the point where he says it like it is. It used to be "let me see how I can put this". For me, the straight-from-the-hip person, that becomes annoying. I find myself saying "Just say it".  He's getting there.

But this isn't all about The Fella.  It's been a HUGE learning experience for me. I used to be the one who would say anything, especially if I was hurt - I would want my partner to hurt just as badly. I've learned to temper my temper. There's is nothing worse than saying something aloud - because you can't take it back. If I'm really (no, really) angry over something, I'll write it out, then tear it up. From that point forward, I feel like a human again and can have an adult convo without the you, you, you....

Well, enough of all my talking.  Have you seen the movie (part 1 or part 2)? What did you think? Are you and your partner talkers? How do you resolve conflicts with your partner?

Changeling

Do you feel yourself changing?  Do you feel yourself outgrowing personality traits, clothes, shoes, thought patterns, fast driving?  Maybe it's the season (why do I have that song running through my head: Time of Season by the Zombies), maybe it's maturity trying to creep in, maybe it's just me - I dunno.  But I know it's time for change and today's events just solidified it.

I witnessed a horrible accident this morning (everyone is ok), but knowing that if I was going my normal rate of speed on the slick backroad (I usually try to clip it around 60mph, but not on rainy days) I would have been apart of the accident.  Umm yeah - no thanks. I've seen accidents after they've occurred and EMS/police are there - but to actually watch the events unfold in real time - that's freaky. So I'm slowing my ass down (although that won't necessarily guarantee I won't be in an accident).

I also received notice that a friend passed away in January due to metastatic breast cancer. This came on top of finding out that one of my fav doc's husband passed.  My heart is aching at the moment and I feel loss. I don't do well with death/dying - I don't think many people do (except maybe hospice nurses). I feel that life is becoming shorter and dwelling on negative issues is a big waste of time. Enjoy my true friends and family is what is really important.

This is welcomed change it's just worrisome that tragic events are making me realize it's time.

Toot Toot...ahh Beep Beep

Yep. I'm at it again. Tootin my own horn.  Why?  Why am I so obnoxious about spreading what's so great about me?  Hmmm, because.

1. I have lost 8.5 lbs since the start of 2010 (hot damn!). I may just reach my goal set, oh, about 2 YEARS AGO.  Only 12 more to go. I think I can do it.

2. I spent $27 on a yoga bag (impulse buy) and returned it! I also returned the crotch-cutter workout pants I bought last month (actually exchanged them). But I did purchase a sweatshirt because it's freaking cold here, still (darn groundhog - but at least it's not the Northeast) and my other sweatshirt is not warm enough after my evening workouts. $5 Plus, I bought some black wedges to wear. I realized all my casual shoes are sneakers and my other "non-work" shoes aren't very comfy to tromp around town in. $10

3. I listened to my inner self and those around me and stood my ground with a client who was trying to cheat me on an invoice.  Oh Hell No!  You WILL pay what you owe.  I will pick up full payment Friday!

4. An old client called last week. She has real estate and legal work to be done! Woo hoo. I love working with her because she always pays on time and usually tips over the invoice.

5. The Saints won the Superbowl (but the ads sucked!).  Yeah, I left midway through the 3rd quarter. Oh well, it was a decent game and I wasn't keen on either team. So goodie for the Saints. I did spend $45 on a mini-superbowl party for my fella and I. We had a good time so I don't feel bad about the money spent.

6. I am totally pulling off 90s era secretary today.  Short tweed skirt with black tights/black boots, black button down shirt, maroon tee. I should take a photo but no time and no camera. :(

Total $$ spent in February so far:

Parking: $48
Food out: $45
Clothing/shoes: $15

Yeah Yeah. I know. I need to curb that parking. But it was nasty wet last week, I had to meet with one of my clients and today I have a recruit here that I have escort around. And with the threat of more rain, I planned to drive him to the VA and then to the Children's Hospital.  So after today - no more parking at work.

A New Day With Lots of Coffee...

Happy Monday, Ya'll. 

This weekend actually didn't fly by for me, probably because I spent most of it sleeping. I'm not really sure why I was so dog tired - oh wait, yes I do. I took a turbo kickboxing class that was like hatha yoga on crack.  There were so many women in the room, it was becoming increasingly dangerous during the kick sections and all I could muster was 30 mins (through the 1st turbo) before feeling lightheaded.  My intention was to head home, take a nap before BF and I went to a b-day party for one of his football club buddies.

Last week, I boasted (or so it seemed) on our ability to talk with each other.  Well my blabbering mouth opened like a flood gate at the most inopportune time - during the party. I'm not sure if it was the pinot grigio that loosened my lips or what but I couldn't stop and the things that have been bugging me about "us" just came rolling out like a steam roller. I talked, he listened.  We went to the car - he talked, I listened. Not to bore you all with the details, but the end result is that he needs to figure out how to live for himself (versus always doing for everyone else) and find his "man pants" again and I need to learn to be patient, enjoy "dating", and keep my swagger (or "edge", as he likes to call it). Luckily, we didn't let my verbal diatribe ruin our evening (although we scraped our movie plans) and we're still working on "us".


Previously, I've never been a long-term dater and have never really wanted to expend a lot of energy with one person (I have a short attention span and loose interest very quickly). Now, I've been given the opportunity to enjoy BF's company, he's kept my interest and I devour our time together and constantly want more. This is the root of my issue.When we first started dating, I was working on my degree which took up a huge chunk of time. So I need to learn to temper and focus on other things.

My action plan (which is also one of my goals): Focus on studying for the GRE.  This will keep me busy so that I am not constantly harping on him for time.  This will also get me off the fence so I can work on completing this goal. 

The couple I hate...

Yes, "hate" is a strong word - but it's the exact emotion that surfaces when I see those couples - you know the ones - who go out to dinner and never utter a word to each other. The ones you see out don't even hold hands, never have anything interesting or even nice to say to each other or about one another...the boring, brooding, dull couple that you wonder "why the hell are they still together?".


I understand that relationships aren't all roses and rainbows. Well maybe most aren't, but ours has been. My fella and I have had 2 arguments since we've been dating. To me, that says a lot. But lately, we are becoming that boring couple.  We still hold hands, we still talk over dinner, we still have wonderful things to say to each other, but we've been dancing around some unspoken issues. Mainly, my guy's been depressed about his job situation. He talks about it, but only to a point.  I know it's a struggle for him and I am trying to be supportive. It's hard on us when he retreats into himself and it's becoming increasingly harder for me to keep playing cheerleader. But I carry on because that's what I'm supposed to do.

I don't want to lose hope/faith that things will get better. I know deep down that they will. But right now, I'm weary and miss the fella that I fell for 2 years ago. The smart alecky, fun-loving man with a kind heart and big spirit.  For the most part that personality is still there, we just have to work on keeping it on the surface and not letting the woes of the day drag him down deeper.

The good thing about us is that we communicate with each other.  Not just talk at each other, we listen. We are able to tell each other whats on our minds.  These past few months it's been very hard and it really came to a head this past Sunday. But we talk - he tells me what he wants and I tell him as well in plain English. We don't do subtleties because one of us will miss the undertone of the desire.

So now we have to develop an action plan that I'm sure will consist of more talks and more walks.

It's all about the baby steps...

So last week I was worried about how I was going to cover my 2 largest monthly bills because of my overspending. I had to borrow the money from my folks so that repayment will cut into my tax refund (but at least there's no interest charge). My Uncle also came through and made another payment on the car! My saving grace was that I didn't have any other high bills to pay so I was able to take $100 to cover my lights & gas. I even had $100 for groceries and gas.  But I'm not out of the woods yet - still playing catch up.

I am happy about the weekend. I was able to walk into thrift stores and not buy anything frivolous. I actually took items for consignment, didn't browse. I did spend $2 on books, $2 on belts (I need to keep my britches up), $2 on a lamp for my bedroom - desperately needed.  I know what you're thinking: You borrowed money from your folks so in order to pay bills, but yet you still shopped!!!  It's baby steps for me. I can't do it all cold turkey. So hopefully next weekend if I do go near a store I wont buy anything at all unless totally necessary (the belts were necessary).

Another good thing about this weekend I realized that I need to cut back on some negative folks in my life.  I'm sure this person contributes to my overspending. I noticed when I went alone, I didn't browse every single rack and I didn't blow a lot of money. Plus, I don't have the urge to go out to eat when I'm with this person.  There was a time I was used to hanging solo, but as of late I've felt this need for company. This need is also contributing to my overspending.  So I am working on this one too. Weaning myself off.

Good item #3 about the weekend is that my weight is back down to pre-stress levels. That's a good thing especially since the temps here dropped to the 20s in the evening which made it very difficult to get to the gym (no real excuse not to workout, however, since I have all the gym items at home as well) but I didn't workout past Tuesday - boo!  But I did do housework, so that accounts for expending some energy, right?

So action plan for this week:

1. Start going to places solo or with BF. He's off this weekend so hopefully we will get a chance to spend some time together. This will also help me wean off little Miss Negative.

2. Keep my gym appointments. I have them set in my calendar and the BF knows my schedule, so he's less liekly to tempt me with other options.

3. Continue recording in my food journal, but this time adding why and when I eat. Great tip from Merry.

The baby steps continue.

This is a fine mess you've gotten us in...

I'm not really sure who I'm fooling - obviously no one but myself. I need to come to grips with reality and develop a plan of action to fix the mess I've created.

Mess # 1 - overspending and now I'm behind on major bills.

Mess # 2 - overeating and now my weight is up to 170lbs.

How did I get into mess # 1? I can give all the excuses under the sun: Christmas shopping, needing items for self, etc. etc. But honestly, it is pure and simple - poor budgeting & counting on money I didn't have in had (promised cash). Yeah, I've said it before but now I have no choice - I CAN NOT SHOP unless it's a total necessity and right now, the only necessary object I need is....NOTHING! I use restraint not visit with exBF, exFriends, not to drive too far over the speed limit. So why can't I use that same restraint not to shop? The better question is why am I shopping? Boredom, the desire to acquire crap, not very happy personally. These may be all valid reasons - but now I have to correct/overcome these issues and the only way to do that is DO WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY.

Plan of action for Mess # 1:

1. Do more reading. I'm actually reading Bob Harper's book, Are You Ready? which will work hand-in-hand with Mess # 2
2. Hang out at the museums, art galleries, and other artsy/fartsy events - I love attending gallery openings, even add them to my calendar but find an excuse not to go. I'm too young to act like a fuddy-duddy, so I'm going!
3. Learn. It's time to take the GRE. Not being in school, I have WAAAAAAY too much time on my hands - hence all the damn shopping. So it's time to take some CEU courses, online courses through MIT or even a grant writing course through work.
4. Pull out my budget and beginning in Feb return to using my envelope method. Why the late start you ask - because I have to play catch up on 2 major bills and it's going to take both paychecks this month to get back on track. This is actually # 1, but I don't feel like cutting and pasting to re-order.

Mess # 2 has come about because of Mess # 1. All my overspending has cause stress which equals stress eating. Yeah, so 8 lbs may not be a big deal to some but to me - it is. I went from 203 to 163 (give or take 2 lbs) and now I'm up to 170. I dont have any size 16s any longer and since I can't shop, I REFUSE to buy anything that goes up a size. I can't continue to comment on fitness blogs if my eating habits are out of whack. There's no point in working out if I'm gonna return home to a pint of cookies-n-cream. ARGH!!!!

Plan of Action for Mess # 2

1. Start my food journal (acutally I had this journal entry written on Sunday - it's now Tuesday and I've started my journal).
2. Plan/Pack my breakfast, lunch, snacks - measure/weigh each item and nothing goes in my mouth that's larger than my fist (1 serving only). No that doesn't mean I can cut up 1/2 a chicken so it's palm size and eat the entire thing!
3. Revamp my workout schedule. I've been hooked on Zumba for about 2 months now - haven't really seen any change in body - but the class is fun. Well guess what, Zumba is cut back to 2 days a week. TurboKick is back on the schedule for 3 days (man, my upper body is sore!), and I've pulled out some old weight training schedules I've used in the past - those are back in rotation. I've attempted that blasted Hundred Push-Up challenge twice - not gonna happen. However, I have incorporated push-ups (2 sets each) into my circuit training which is on Sunday.

Yes, I know it's only day 2 of my action plans, but I've already seen a 2 lb decrease and I've earned $20 toward my bills! Baby steps, baby steps.

So if I can get over these two messes (and I know I will), I can concentrate on my next round of goals: Save $300 and apply to graduate school. I just need to learn accountability. I've said it before but I'm trying it again - with the help of online journaling, my BF and my offline friends I should be able to dig myself out of this.

So the process begins (again).

It's beginning to look a lot like __________

Can you believe it? It's almost time for Dude to come down the chimney and leaves loads of presents under the tree. I swear yesterday was 95 degrees and July. Man! Where has the time gone?

Reflecting back on this year I can say I finally graduated from college - that 20-year degree plan is OVA! But what else have I done? Bought stuff - does that count? Not really.

Some of us take this time at Thanksgiving to reflect on things we are grateful for. That I can do daily - I'm thankful I can even say that.

So looking ahead, what will I do in 2010? Buy more stuff? I'm sure. But there's bound to be some meaning to life (not 49 like Marvin discovered). There has to be more to do with my time other than stepping/fetching at work.

So instead of reflecting on what I'm thankful for, I think I will spend this time setting goals (fitness and financial) and understand just how to achieve them. I admire folks who have an innate drive that helps them achieve success in the goals they set. Then there are those of us who don't have anyone to keep them accountable, so we attempt, learn it's hard, and quit (or shelf it for another time when we feel the urge). I am going to learn how to finish what I set out to do and hopefully develop some willpower in the meantime.

Here are a few of my short term goals for the next few months:

1. Take on the 100 push-up / 200 squats challenge (that's Merry for the inspiration)
2. No shopping for myself until I can save $300 - yeah, it's not a lot of money - but for me - it's the start of an emergency fund. Thanks Janie for her 100 day challenge.
3. Study for the GRE and take it. It's time to become an adult (sooner or later) and I guess going to grad school will make in to one (doubt it but I can put my extra time to better use than watching NCIS all weekend).
4. Volunteer at the HSCPA. Man, their application is long. These essays are going to really tax my brain. But since I can't commit to actually adopting a dog, volunteering is the next best thing in my mind.

So this is the short list. Let's see how I do.

Fall, Finally

I can't believe today is the first day of Fall. I can't believe I am back to work after spending a glorious week of doing NOTHING but lazing around in a pool chair and tromping through Mayan ruins. I didn't say I was focusing on work, just back to work. Oh how I love vacations.

Vacations allows one time to drink lots and lots of alcohol unless one's mother is on vacation with one as well. It also allows time to mull over life goals. Yes, I know I was supposed to be on vacation not trying to determine what I want to be when I grow up. Well, let's just say I had too much sun last week and have decided to consider at another route for my graduate degree. I keep thinking about applying for an MPH program and work on health policy, especially with all the hubbub going on about universal healthcare, affordable healthcare, etc. But then I started thinking that dietitian may be another route for me.

I know what your thinking...I still eat hamburgers, hot dogs, drink beer and alcohol - but hey, I'm human. Now, I may not be the skinniest person on the planet, but I do understand all things in moderation. I think working towards a degree in nutrition or becoming a registered dietitian will only serve to help my personal goals, make me an even healthier person and make me an example for my family.

Then again, if I have to return to an undergraduate program for additional courses for the RD program - that idea will be blown out of the water and it's back to the original plan for the MPH.