Monday, April 5, 2010

Why would you get married?

Hmmmm, Mr. Madea has asked a similar question in 2 films now.  I spent Easter with The Fella vs. my family in Beaumont (I couldn't deal with the drive out and back). So with the snafu change in plans, we decided to go to an early movie. He is now banned from picking films (Debbie Downer). Watching Why Did I Get Married Too brought out so many emotions and we're still talking about it (I'm a big fan of communication). If you haven't seen the movie, I will try not to put spoilers here.

That is the majorly awesome thing about The Fella and me - we talk, IM, e-mail.  If crap is bugging us, we will go for a walk and talk it out. I'm a major planner, so for our trips we talk about every aspect from airline, hotels, car rentals, places to see/do on which day/time, how much $ to take along, what clothes to pack, etc. etc. The one time I didn't plan our trip out to the exact letter we floundered around New Orleans for places to eat and things to do.

I think we talk more than most couples (but I'm hopefully wrong). He identified mostly with Troy and Sheila because of his current work situation. Times are rough, not just for him, but for a lot of people (men and women) in the real world. We tend to let pride stand in our way and don't like to ask for help.  The Fella can be prideful, but he has put it on the back burner and let me help him. I've had a friend revamp his resume, I tell people I know (and some I don't) that he's looking, I send him job postings almost daily. But the reason he doesn't blow up at this (like Troy does in the film) is because I let him know what I'm doing or I'll ask before putting out any private information.

I spent most of the film frustrated and angry because a majority of the issues between all the couples except Pat and Calvin (well maybe theirs as well) could have been avoided if they would just talk to each other.

But talking isn't just about 1 person getting things off their chest. It encompasses active listening on both parts. Sometimes we have to reiterate what was just said to make sure that it was heard correctly. Some convos don't require action plans, but all require feedback. Letting your partner know that his/her qualms were heard and understood is important.

The Fella and I aren't perfect by any measurements, but he let's me know that I don't nag (my fear because I am a control freak) and I don't smother or emasculate him.  Although I have no plans on giving birth, I tend to be the Mother Hen of my friends and have a very dominant personality. By no means is my guy a wimp so knowing that I don't make him feel like one is good to know.  The major breakthrough with our convos is that he is getting to the point where he says it like it is. It used to be "let me see how I can put this". For me, the straight-from-the-hip person, that becomes annoying. I find myself saying "Just say it".  He's getting there.

But this isn't all about The Fella.  It's been a HUGE learning experience for me. I used to be the one who would say anything, especially if I was hurt - I would want my partner to hurt just as badly. I've learned to temper my temper. There's is nothing worse than saying something aloud - because you can't take it back. If I'm really (no, really) angry over something, I'll write it out, then tear it up. From that point forward, I feel like a human again and can have an adult convo without the you, you, you....

Well, enough of all my talking.  Have you seen the movie (part 1 or part 2)? What did you think? Are you and your partner talkers? How do you resolve conflicts with your partner?

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