To be Carrie Bradshaw

and to have her closet would be any girl's dream.

Yes, I know I'm super late...but I FINALLY saw Sex in the City, The Movie (the first one). And yes, I'm one of those who tends to think of Charlotte, Miranda, Carrie and Samantha as my friends too. I've watched the show  for so long now, these fictional characters do tend to feel like friends.  So forgive me if I sit on my sofa and talk back to the screen.

There were a few things that irk me with Miranda.  Her character is so self-centered, self-driven. Women complain about not having a good man, about absentee fathers, or just plain lazy men. Here, she has a man who just wants to love her and be a good father. Miranda totally emasculates Steve and  like a faithful puppy-dog, he accepts this behavior. Stop being so mean Miranda.

Personally, I would never have a man in my life that I could treat in such a manner. For as forward thinking as I am, I still want the man to be a man. Stand up for himself and me. Protect me in a knife or gun fight. Change the flat tire and repair the fence. This isn't an Enjoli commercial, but I will cook bacon every now and again.

But what really had me mulling over the bits and pieces of my life, was the original marriage proposal between Big and Carrie. At this age, why does it matter? If you're committed to each other and are happy with the direction of your relationship, why do you need to get married? Ok, so there is the fear of losing such a great closet...but that's TV - not real life. And you can put both names on property without being married. Should I feel some extra security after marriage? Is there a chance of a bigger closet filled with better shoes following the honeymoon?

I'm not opposed to marriage. Yes, I've even contemplated the dress (it's that strapless, tea length Calvin Klein hanging in my closet), the shoes (a pair of gold satin peep toes), the ring (non-traditional citrine set in white gold), the number of people to invite (as few as possible), even where (the Cathedral in Galveston, TX or the little white chapel in Pearland, TX - I just love the look from the outside). But I don't want to get wrapped up in the event. I'd rather be wrapped up his arms nightly.

So my life is not like Sex in the City (seriously, who walks around Manhattan in 4" heels. I snapped a 2" Bally heel in half walking 2 blocks between MSKCC and a parking garage), but I do have to say that my relationship with The Fella doesn't necessarily need to be held to a contract, but that citrine ring would be a nice touch.

Besos!

Thank goodness I'm not 16 and preggers...

This is really stuck in my craw and I can't dislodge it.  My father is really perturbed by the fact that I am considering moving to California to be with The Fella because we aren't married. Apparently, this is topic du jour between my parents. 

Someone please give me some insight into this...

I am late 30s/he is early 40s. I don't want children / he already has children and no plans for additional kids - maybe a Labrador. Yes, we've only been dating for approximately 2 years (maybe 3 this coming Easter - can't really remember since it feels as if I've known him forever - ahhhhh). Granted my parents aren't the most open-minded folks in their early 60s, but hey, at least The Fella is the same color scheme as I am.

Say I move to Cali and things go sour. I can't find a job, all my crap is crowding his space, I don't like the fact that he puts the toilet paper on backwards, whatever...and we decide to call it quits. Hello - not married...I can pack my crap and go - no need for quickie island divorce. And Cali is community property. So if I won the lottery right before splitville, I'd have to share my winnings with him. So let's hope I win the lottery while living single in Texas (fingers crossed)!

I'm not saying that we're heading towards singledom anytime soon. He's a wonderful dude. But I'm just saying - I like having my options open.

So what's the big deal if we're married or not heading West?  Would it be a big deal if he was still here and we were shacking up under the current roof? Probably not. What's the worse that could happen shacking up 1800 miles away from my dad? Is he planning to write me out of his will and leave all his hidden millions to the neighborhood cat.  Doubt it. Or does he secretly want to shell out 100K for my wedding?  Hmmm, maybe if I present the proposal for the cost he'd have to pay, he'll look at shacking up as a blessing.

Are you down with the swirl?

You are joining this post mid-thought so I beg your forgiveness now.

After dinner last night, a song hit the radio (I can't remember the title) and on the lyrics was about good love being hard to find. I made some smart-alec comment to The Fella about it being true which lead to a convo about our meeting/dating/etc. He said something to me that I've been chewing on ever since.  Before we met, he swore off Black women.

What? Really?  Yes.

But he's not the only one to say this to me in the recent past.  A girlfriend of mine said the same - she's done with Black men. Cool, more for me! But...

Yo, yo, yo - what's up with dissing your own folks. Like Rodney King said - can't we all just get along?

I understand when relationships go sour or folks just aint giving you the time of day, you may take a break, regroup or reflect.  But is that cause for you to swear off that entire race of women/men?  I can see that if you aren't being fulfilled in your opposite relationship, regardless of skin tone, that you wake up one day and swear off men (or women) and move towards a same-sex relationship. If that's rewarding - booyah! You hit the love jackpot.

Love knows no boundaries, skin tone, eye color, hair color, shoe size or dress size. So saying you won't date someone based solely on their race because you had a bad experience once, twice, a bajillon times only hampers you from finding the romance of a lifetime.

Funny thing is that The Fella checked out my online profile first. So I guess Black women weren't totally off his radar. Lucky for him, I thought he was Italian as I was going through an international men phase! I'm the EEOC of love affairs!

Why would you get married?

Hmmmm, Mr. Madea has asked a similar question in 2 films now.  I spent Easter with The Fella vs. my family in Beaumont (I couldn't deal with the drive out and back). So with the snafu change in plans, we decided to go to an early movie. He is now banned from picking films (Debbie Downer). Watching Why Did I Get Married Too brought out so many emotions and we're still talking about it (I'm a big fan of communication). If you haven't seen the movie, I will try not to put spoilers here.

That is the majorly awesome thing about The Fella and me - we talk, IM, e-mail.  If crap is bugging us, we will go for a walk and talk it out. I'm a major planner, so for our trips we talk about every aspect from airline, hotels, car rentals, places to see/do on which day/time, how much $ to take along, what clothes to pack, etc. etc. The one time I didn't plan our trip out to the exact letter we floundered around New Orleans for places to eat and things to do.

I think we talk more than most couples (but I'm hopefully wrong). He identified mostly with Troy and Sheila because of his current work situation. Times are rough, not just for him, but for a lot of people (men and women) in the real world. We tend to let pride stand in our way and don't like to ask for help.  The Fella can be prideful, but he has put it on the back burner and let me help him. I've had a friend revamp his resume, I tell people I know (and some I don't) that he's looking, I send him job postings almost daily. But the reason he doesn't blow up at this (like Troy does in the film) is because I let him know what I'm doing or I'll ask before putting out any private information.

I spent most of the film frustrated and angry because a majority of the issues between all the couples except Pat and Calvin (well maybe theirs as well) could have been avoided if they would just talk to each other.

But talking isn't just about 1 person getting things off their chest. It encompasses active listening on both parts. Sometimes we have to reiterate what was just said to make sure that it was heard correctly. Some convos don't require action plans, but all require feedback. Letting your partner know that his/her qualms were heard and understood is important.

The Fella and I aren't perfect by any measurements, but he let's me know that I don't nag (my fear because I am a control freak) and I don't smother or emasculate him.  Although I have no plans on giving birth, I tend to be the Mother Hen of my friends and have a very dominant personality. By no means is my guy a wimp so knowing that I don't make him feel like one is good to know.  The major breakthrough with our convos is that he is getting to the point where he says it like it is. It used to be "let me see how I can put this". For me, the straight-from-the-hip person, that becomes annoying. I find myself saying "Just say it".  He's getting there.

But this isn't all about The Fella.  It's been a HUGE learning experience for me. I used to be the one who would say anything, especially if I was hurt - I would want my partner to hurt just as badly. I've learned to temper my temper. There's is nothing worse than saying something aloud - because you can't take it back. If I'm really (no, really) angry over something, I'll write it out, then tear it up. From that point forward, I feel like a human again and can have an adult convo without the you, you, you....

Well, enough of all my talking.  Have you seen the movie (part 1 or part 2)? What did you think? Are you and your partner talkers? How do you resolve conflicts with your partner?

How many years has it been...

Since we've been together?  I think the 2nd anniversary of our first date is approaching fast. I remember it was right before Easter. I am terrible with dates.  I can remember his birthday because it's 2 days before mine. I am reminded of his mother's passing because it's Valentine's Day. But beyond these two major events in his life, I don't commit dates to memory.  Is that terrible?  I don't think so. It's US that makes our time together memorable, not the date.

I was revisiting some of my posts from earlier in the year - lamenting over the doom of becoming the "boring couple" and devising a plan to fend off that harbinger. Then a comment from Karen (Fitness: A Journey Not a Destination - a great blog for helpful advice on fitness, health, etc.) appeared. She asked if we cooked together and that jarred my memory of said "boring couple".  I can admit that things are better between us.  He is making a solid effort to maintain date night and just generally "hang out" with me.  I have made a solid effort to think of him and his needs over my own (shopping and dining out). As for cooking together, we did sign up for a Williams and Sonoma cooking technique class, but ended up canceling because we both wanted to just BE (be alone with each other). He's thoroughly excited about the trip to Seattle (actually, we both are even though it is 4 months away!).

His job prospects haven't materialized due to this crappy economy.  So last night, he hit me with the notion that he may have an opportunity in Atlanta. The thought of him moving still hasn't hit me yet but I don't think I will be bummed if he did move. Not because I don't care/love him, but because he needs to do it.  He needs to break from the current living situation, the current status quo. Of course, I told him to jump at the opportunity because it would put him back into salary bracket he is comfy with.  This will also offer him the opportunity to work with a manager/mentor he was very fond of. And at the moment, nothing is set in stone.

So as the calendar event approaches, 2 years spent with a man who is a gentle lover, who hasn't made me feel dependent, and who is open to new adventures makes one reflect on the past and plan for the next phase of things to come. I have finally come to peace with my major issue with him (his living situation) and have made a silent pact with myself not to press him.  Yes, there are couples who marry 6 months after dating, there are couples who marry 13 years after dating, and there are couples who never marry but stay committed to each other. I'm not sure if marriage is the path I want, but I do know that whatever path we take, we take it together.

Song of the day: Anniversary by Tony Toni Tone

Like Jill Scott says - Take a long walk

And that's what we did yesterday.  As a way of getting back our stride, my fella and I ambled through Hermann Park for a little exercise and a lot more conversation. We had a chance to see the finished Venet art installation. I like poking at my fella's brain to gain insight as to how he views things. He's not an arty-farty type and I like to just look at pretty pictures (I couldn't tell you the type of brush stroke, the mood, or any of that), so this installation was perfect - free forming (sorta) so the shapes end up being whatever you make them out to be. I saw onion slices, coke-bottle bottom glasses.

He thanked me for all the information I've been funneling his way on how to reduce stress, including Brook Noel's 8 Steps to Finding Joy. We talked more about the direction of our relationship. I am the "hurry-up and wait" type of person and he's the "take it as it develops" type. So I promised him that I would work on learning patience, which is something I need to do anyway. I am still apologizing for starting this whole thing during the party over the weekend, but as I explained to him - when we are together, it's like the rest of the world just disappears. He agreed - he mentioned that even on our walks, it's just the two of us. That's our Vulcan mind meld (more like the Borg, in my opinion) but either way - we're connected and reconnecting.

So today is a much better day and I'm looking forward to skipping my workout tonight to hang with my guy for drinks and nibbles.

A New Day With Lots of Coffee...

Happy Monday, Ya'll. 

This weekend actually didn't fly by for me, probably because I spent most of it sleeping. I'm not really sure why I was so dog tired - oh wait, yes I do. I took a turbo kickboxing class that was like hatha yoga on crack.  There were so many women in the room, it was becoming increasingly dangerous during the kick sections and all I could muster was 30 mins (through the 1st turbo) before feeling lightheaded.  My intention was to head home, take a nap before BF and I went to a b-day party for one of his football club buddies.

Last week, I boasted (or so it seemed) on our ability to talk with each other.  Well my blabbering mouth opened like a flood gate at the most inopportune time - during the party. I'm not sure if it was the pinot grigio that loosened my lips or what but I couldn't stop and the things that have been bugging me about "us" just came rolling out like a steam roller. I talked, he listened.  We went to the car - he talked, I listened. Not to bore you all with the details, but the end result is that he needs to figure out how to live for himself (versus always doing for everyone else) and find his "man pants" again and I need to learn to be patient, enjoy "dating", and keep my swagger (or "edge", as he likes to call it). Luckily, we didn't let my verbal diatribe ruin our evening (although we scraped our movie plans) and we're still working on "us".


Previously, I've never been a long-term dater and have never really wanted to expend a lot of energy with one person (I have a short attention span and loose interest very quickly). Now, I've been given the opportunity to enjoy BF's company, he's kept my interest and I devour our time together and constantly want more. This is the root of my issue.When we first started dating, I was working on my degree which took up a huge chunk of time. So I need to learn to temper and focus on other things.

My action plan (which is also one of my goals): Focus on studying for the GRE.  This will keep me busy so that I am not constantly harping on him for time.  This will also get me off the fence so I can work on completing this goal. 

The couple I hate...

Yes, "hate" is a strong word - but it's the exact emotion that surfaces when I see those couples - you know the ones - who go out to dinner and never utter a word to each other. The ones you see out don't even hold hands, never have anything interesting or even nice to say to each other or about one another...the boring, brooding, dull couple that you wonder "why the hell are they still together?".


I understand that relationships aren't all roses and rainbows. Well maybe most aren't, but ours has been. My fella and I have had 2 arguments since we've been dating. To me, that says a lot. But lately, we are becoming that boring couple.  We still hold hands, we still talk over dinner, we still have wonderful things to say to each other, but we've been dancing around some unspoken issues. Mainly, my guy's been depressed about his job situation. He talks about it, but only to a point.  I know it's a struggle for him and I am trying to be supportive. It's hard on us when he retreats into himself and it's becoming increasingly harder for me to keep playing cheerleader. But I carry on because that's what I'm supposed to do.

I don't want to lose hope/faith that things will get better. I know deep down that they will. But right now, I'm weary and miss the fella that I fell for 2 years ago. The smart alecky, fun-loving man with a kind heart and big spirit.  For the most part that personality is still there, we just have to work on keeping it on the surface and not letting the woes of the day drag him down deeper.

The good thing about us is that we communicate with each other.  Not just talk at each other, we listen. We are able to tell each other whats on our minds.  These past few months it's been very hard and it really came to a head this past Sunday. But we talk - he tells me what he wants and I tell him as well in plain English. We don't do subtleties because one of us will miss the undertone of the desire.

So now we have to develop an action plan that I'm sure will consist of more talks and more walks.